Milla RE:R

Elevator Ride

There are quite a few angry Resident Evil: Retribution reviews in the wild. I find the disappointed reviews out there about as hilarious as the movie itself. The sad part is that neither the reviewers or the folks that got together to make the movie intended to make either as funny as they were.

When Boris Kodjoe is doing the best acting in a movie, you put the stars back in the box and go on about your day.

Reviewing an RE movie like it is supposed to be as serious as a standard film is like trying to add the text that cats type when they walk across the keyboard into the dictionary. It is just not right, no matter how you try to justify it. I watched a 95 minute stroll to an elevator twice (IMAX 3D and RealD 3D) and I was perfectly ok with it.

The RE movies are about Milla Jovovich killing zombies in a snug outfit for around 90 minutes. That’s it. Attempting to make out a decent plot or even caring about continuity is just lying to yourself and everyone else. These movies are so entrenched in a mythos solely based on her looking good splattering zombie brains that any other interpretation is pretty much equivalent to self-flagellation.

Let it go.

The only people in the theatre for the fifth installment of this series were either diehard fans of Milla, or respectable movie critics who had nothing better to watch on its opening weekend. I feel sorry for the critics, because this wasn’t their movie.

Fan service.

Back in the 90s, I played the first RE game for about 15 minutes before I became frustrated with the game mechanics and returned it to the store. Nevertheless I knew that the characters on the strike team were more ham fisted fan service than the¬†previous installment in the series. I didn’t even know most of the game character’s names until the movie felt the need to namecheck people that would normally just be zombie fodder. From Ada Wong rocking her more fashionable red dress to Barry Burton’s beard there was a big fat platter of “We put that in, you are welcome.” Hell, the movie was just a series of levels and the acting was on par with the polygon models in the first few games.

Not just catering to the masses who played the game, there were so many action movie bits that were borrowed that I wanted to tear through my movie collection when I got back home. This movie borrowed so heavily from other action flicks that I probably didn’t even catch them all, and I have watched a shitload of movies.

Anderson: I also liked Dawn/Day of the Dead, Alien(s), Fifth Element, Underworld, Sucker Punch, Inception, Blade Runner, -insert asian film here-, etc…

Pretty filler.

I’ve said before I’d be down with watching Milla do anything on screen, apparently I really meant it.

I Had No Choice

I was going to join the ranks of drones and make a semi-apologetic yet positive review of Resident Evil Afterlife 3D.

I was also going to watch at least once in 2D to compare the experience so I could give a thoughtful viewpoint.

I was even going to pad this with a bunch of pictures of Milla and Ali looking awesome to make it look good. ( I might still toss those pics at the end or link to another gallery at some point, they are great.)

Then I decided that it is just not that serious.

Milla could have been sitting in a chair clipping her toenails in a parka for 90 minutes and I still would have seen the movie. I just happen to be one of those people who will see a movie simply because Milla told me to. Some celebrities just have that ability.  Hell, some celebrities-who-will-not-be-named have EMPIRES.

I just dig watching Milla kick ass.

Truly fun times.