Ace Q & A

Do you define asexual as a lack of sexual desire? A lack of interest in following through with desire? A hybrid? Something else entirely?

For some it may be different, but for me it is a lack of sexual attraction to others. Doesn’t tend to cross my mind without serious prompting from others and even then I just wonder why I am not on the same page. I have feelings for people, which tends to be frustrating for everyone involved because I don’t desire to get intimate with their bits. Even when I dream of becoming close to someone it doesn’t tend go there.

I can see the aesthetic beauty in people and I do appreciate it, but even if I try to will it, the urge isn’t there.

What is your emotional orientation?

I am very much homoromantic. Women are awesome, awesome creatures. I pretty much knew from jump that hetero- anything was off the books.

I thought maybe I fancied both men and women for a bit since I wasn’t drawn to one sexually over the other, but that didn’t really sit right either. After that I just knew that I was drawn to women emotionally and would just let other people call it whatever the hell they wanted to.

I’m curious how much you think the abusive past factors into your asexuality. I get the impression you would be so anyway. still wonder if you think it changed things, even if by degrees, based on something you said before

This question is one that I asked myself countless times. It even fueled my debate over whether I was truly emotionally attracted to women.

Even though I was abused at a young age – enough that details would require a separate entry when I get around to it – I have never harbored a disgust for sex. Unlike many victims my hate was directed toward the bastards that hurt me. The trauma was a large factor in how I interacted with people for years, but I never faulted sex itself.

I am not disgusted by sex, though I do think it’s funny that it is so integral to the lives of others sometimes. The times when I have been in relationships with people, I have participated in sexual acts for the other person’s sake. I have even obliged in circumstances where there was geographical distance.

I made it a point to work through the trust issues that the abuse caused and get to a place where those emotions no longer consumed me before I even entertained the idea that I was just indifferent to sex.

Even in discussions with sexual folks, I have heard them describe things that normal kids apparently do when younger than I was at that time in terms of body/sexual exploration and I don’t remember doing any of that or even coming up with the idea to.

It isn’t an aversion, or disgust, or fear, or hatred; I’m just not thinking about sex.

Sh*t People Have Said to Me

The concept of someone not wanting to shag a decent sized percentage of the population around them wrecks people’s heads.

Here is a short list of some things people have said to me :

  • “You just haven’t met the right ____ yet.”
  • “You are some weird monk aren’t you?”
  • “Is it some religious thing?”
  • “Eunuch”
  • “Do you need to see a doctor about that?”
  • “Maybe you are just depressed?”
  • “Could it just be low hormone levels?”
  • “But you make raunchy jokes/say dirty things all the time. Are you sure?”
  • “You lied. You don’t care about me because you don’t ___.”
  • “Is it because of abuse/hatred/[other things that people want to blame]?”
  • “You just haven’t tried.”
  • “But you flirt pretty much constantly. It’s like those dudes that pretend to be gay to get women, isn’t it?”
  • “Are you some sort of psychopath? Have you killed anyone?”
  • “I have the number of a good therapist.’
  • “There are probably pills for that.”
  • “You neutered bastard.”

and my personal favorite:

“…so you are not a sex addict?” (It makes logical sense, but it is still a long stretch.)

Add that to the pile of confusion that ensues after they put together that I find women aesthetically pleasing and you have enough dialogue to fill a 22 episode order of a sitcom full of gossipy characters.

I get jealous of the majority of the populace sometimes because they don’t have these conversations. Tell someone that you like the same gender and it’s generally one of three responses: love, hate, or pensive acceptance.  Tell someone that having sex with people doesn’t even cross your mind and they think you are making things up or need medical attention.